Refill with Randy – Holidays can be difficult for those who recently lost a loved one
Randy LeBaron, left, and Jack Burris volunteer at the Red Kettle outside Walmart.
By Randy LeBaron
The Turkey has been eaten, Christmas Carols are already flooding the radio waves, and everywhere you look there are decorations.
It’s that time of year again that we gather together to celebrate the holidays! For some though, this season will hit different. As anyone who has lost a loved one knows, holidays just aren’t the same—especially if it’s the first time that you will be celebrating since your loved one has passed.
Those times that you once looked forward to with joy may now bring about unwanted feelings of pain or loneliness. If you can relate, I would like to share some tips with you to help you cope during this holiday season.
SET REALISTIC EXPECTATIONS. Remind yourself that this year will be different. Decide if you can still handle past responsibilities and expectations. Examine the tasks and events of celebrating and ask yourself if you want to continue them. Accept others’ offers to cook, shop, decorate, etc. Consider shopping online this year if you feel a need to avoid crowds or memories.
SURROUND YOURSELF WITH PEOPLE WHO LOVE AND SUPPORT YOU. Share your plans with family and friends and let them know of changes in holiday routines. Memories can sometimes be a source of comfort so share them by telling stories and looking at photos.
AVOID “CANCELING” THE HOLIDAY. It is OK to avoid some circumstances that you don’t feel ready to handle but fight the temptation to simply isolate yourself. Make some time for solitude, remembering and grieving, but balance it with planned social activities.
ALLOW YOURSELF TO FEEL JOY, SADNESS, ANGER, ETC. It is important to recognize that every family member has their own unique grief experience. No one way is right or wrong. (i.e. experiencing joy and laughter during a time of grief does not mean you have forgotten your loved one.) Give yourself and others permission to experience whatever emotion is at the forefront.
DRAW COMFORT FROM DOING FOR OTHERS. Consider giving a donation or gift in memory of you loved one. Invite a guest who might otherwise be alone for the holidays. Find ways to serve others. Some possibilities are: donating some of your loved one’s clothes to Hands 4 Hope to be given away to others who can use them, ringing bells for the Salvation Army, serving food to others at the Koinonia Kitchen, sponsoring a meal for a homeless individual at The Risen Café, or purchasing hand painted ornaments in memory of your loved one at Hospice of Orleans. These are only a handful of the opportunities in Orleans County but there are many more as well.
PRACTICE SELF-CARE. Avoid using alcohol or drugs to self-medicate your mood. Exercise as a means of relieving stress and boosting endorphins. Write in a journal as a good outlet for your grief. Give yourself permission to rest when needed.
CREATE A NEW TRADITION OR RITUAL THAT ACCOMMODATES YOUR CURRENT SITUATION. Some people find comfort by honoring traditions, while others find them painful. Discuss with your family the activities you want to include or exclude this year. Some examples of new rituals and traditions include:
• Announce beforehand that someone different will carve the turkey.
• Create a memory box. Fill it with photos of your loved one or memory notes from family members and friends. Ask young children to contribute drawings in the memory box.
• Make a quilt using favorite t-shirts/ pieces of clothing that remind you of the person who died.
• Light a candle in honor of your loved one.
• Put a bouquet of flowers on your holiday table in memory of your loved one.
• Visit the cemetery and decorate the memorial site.
• Place a commemorative ornament on the Christmas tree.
• Write a poem about your loved one and read it during a holiday ritual.
• Play your loved one’s favorite music or watch their favorite movie.
• Plan a meal with your loved ones’ favorite foods.
The most important thing to remember is that there really is no right or wrong way to celebrate the holiday season after the death of a loved one. The best coping mechanism is to plan ahead, get support from others, and take it easy.
See you in 2 weeks!
Pastor Randy
